子供のおかげでよく絵本を読むのですが、本当に自由！なんでもありの世界に私の方がびっくりしています。こんなにぶっとんでるお話をすんなりケロっと受け入れるのがすごい。ウサギが太りすぎて地にめり込んでメキシコにいっちゃってもたいして驚かない(せなけいこさんの絵本です)。
心おおらかにニコニコ子育てしている怒鳴らないお母さんが"良いお母さん"なのかなあ、と子供が生まれる前は思っていたけれど、何かそれまでの自分から"ドロン"と別の、おかあさんという誰か、に変身するのではなくって、それまでの自分がそのまま子供を育てるという事柄を含んで行く、という事に最近やっと気がついた。おー、そうなのかー！！と。心おおらかにニコニコ生きて怒らない、という自分は産む前も存在しないもの。そして、泣き叫ぶ赤ちゃんが嫌々言う子供にぐんぐん育っていくのです。おこりすぎかなあ、と、この前、仲の良い従姉妹に相談したら"おかしなことになっていたら遠慮会釈なく言うから。"と言ってくれて心底ホッとした。だから怒ってもいい、という結論ではもちろんなく、何かぼんやりした、こうあるべき、と思っているようなイメージに縛られると苦しいなあ、と思う。どうやったら怒らないですむのか、毎日悩みはつきないなあ。
Only few weeks ago, there were a flower which in full bloom under the strong summer sun, a lot of cicadas here and there and I often saw mantises, but now they were all gone. Those pictures which I took them beginning of this month seems like memories of this summer. And about last photo, my daughter tried to put tape to bind the score. She handed over to me with her full smile. I was happy to see it and said "thank you" to her, but unfortunately, it's impossible to read...It's so amazing how she watch closely what the adults do, and now her hands are so skilful to make a lot of things. Anyway, she surprised me with many varieties of things every day.
Before she was born, I was thinking and having ambiguous image of so called "good mom" who always smiles and never scolded to the child. But I lately realized "I" who is not perfect and live with thousands of emotions every day was remaining, of course, and that person become "mom" after the child's birth. It's not like a "dramatic transformation". I'm still I, myself and have to face the reality of the raising child. Few weeks ago I was talking to my close cousin about my worries that I'm too strict to my daughter and scold her too often. She told me that she will not hesitate to tell me if she thinks there's something wrong is going on. I was so relieved to hear that. I don't want to say it's unavoidable to be harsh against the children, absolutely NO. Anger is often very harmful and make no use to change the situation. I'm trying to seek the way seriously how I can be always calm when I'm facing her. It's long long way to go.
